Guilt Ridden
by Pixiedust4
Summary: Olivia has a past that no one knew about. Chapter 6 up now!I'm sorry it's been forever!
1. Chapter 1

Guilt-ridden 

**Disclaimer: I do not own any character from Law and Order: SVU. All of those characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

**Summary: Olivia has a past, and no one quite knew the whole story.**

"Benson! Stabler! Vic at Mercy Hospital. 15 years old. Raped by her father. You need to get down there now," Cragen yelled from his office door.

"On it, Cap," Elliot Stabler said while grabbing his coat. "Come on, Liv. Let's go."

Olivia Benson was abnormally quiet on the car ride to the hospital. She had this odd gut feeling that this case would be different, though she wasn't quite sure how.

"Penny for your thoughts, Liv? You know you can tell me anything."

"I'm okay. Not much to talk about, I guess."

He reached across the seat and squeezed her hand, reassuring her. Olivia knew she could tell Elliot anything and he would understand. But she just couldn't bring herself to do it. He had confided in her about how his divorce was tearing him apart and he would bend over backwards to do anything for her. There were just some things she couldn't talk about with anybody, including herself.

They reached the hospital and went inside. The nurse gave them a heads up before they went in.

"The rape kit is done and has already been sent to your lab. Detective Stabler, it would be best if you stayed in the hallway. She screams and tries to run whenever a man enters the room."

"Okay, thanks for the heads up. Liv, I'll just wait for you in the lobby and have a cup of coffee."

Olivia walked into the room. The victim's eyes were closed. She was pretty beat up. How could a father do this to his child? Olivia took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Erin?" The girl opened her large brown eyes. Olivia sucked in her breath. That's when she knew why this case would be different. She had always hoped that she would never have to meet her under these circumstances. Why did this horrible thing have to happen to her? Olivia felt immense guilt.

"You're Olivia Benson. It's very nice to meet you."

**Please review. Possible interesting twists and maybe EO.**


	2. Chapter 2

Guilt-ridden Chapter 2 

**Disclaimer: I don't own Benson, Stabler, Law and Order:SVU and so forth. They belong to Dick Wolf**

**A/n: If I make it an EO (and I haven't quite decided), it won't be mushy happily ever after stuff. Maybe one of them wants it and one of them doesn't, I still don't know. But I like reviews, so keep them coming!**

"_Erin?" The girl opened her large brown eyes. Olivia sucked in her breath. That's when she knew why this case would be different. She had always hoped that she would never have to meet her under these circumstances. Why did this horrible thing have to happen to her? Olivia felt immense guilt._

"_You're Olivia Benson. It's very nice to meet you."_

Olivia's mind was racing. How in the world did this girl know who she was? It was a closed adoption. Olivia had never wanted to meet her unless the girl was an adult who seeked her out. Now, here she was, raped because of the family Olivia gave her to. She wanted to sink into the floor.

"H-h-how do you know?"

"My mother told me. I had questions and she went ahead and answered. I always knew I was adopted, but I wasn't going to seek you out until later. But one time, I saw you on the news and I was excited. My biological mother was a hero, not some strung out bum. I'm proud to have your genes."

Olivia was speechless. She stared in awe for a second before her eyes refocused on the girl's face. Then she jumped into police mode.

"Tell me what happened. Tell me everything you can remember."

She tried to hide her horror as Erin described the lifetime of abuse she'd grown up with. Olivia felt that by giving her daughter up that she would be giving her a better life, and here, she felt that she had just made it worse. Finally, Erin finished her story.

"My father was angry because I had my first boyfriend. He doesn't feel like anyone else should have me. I hope he gets arrested. I don't need him in my life anymore."

Olivia nodded and stood up. Erin grabbed her hand.

"Olivia, please don't blame yourself for any of this. I don't know all the details of why you gave me away, but I'm sure it was for good reasons. How were you to know exactly what these people were like? Would it be okay if I called you sometime?"

She nodded and handed Erin her business card.

"I will try to help you in anyway I can. I know you'll be in a foster home and I'll help you find counseling, but Erin, I don't know if I can..." her voice trailed off.

"Olivia, I'm not asking for a relationship. I'm just asking for details so I can fill in my past."

She nodded. She knew how frustrating it was not to know all of the details of your past. Then, she turned out walked out.

Elliot stood when he saw Olivia come to retrieve him. Liv looked visibly shaken. He knew instantly that the case had gotten to her, and not many of them did. He hated seeing her hurting, just as she hated to see him hurting. As much as he cared for her, the relationship envelope wasn't one he was sure he wanted to push, at least not at this point in his life.

"Is the father arrested yet?" she asked him as they walked to the car.

"Yea, Cap called. He's waiting for us in the interrogation room."

"Can you handle the questioning on your own? I'm not sure I can do this one. I don't trust myself from losing control."

"Sure, Liv. Are you alright?"

Just as she slid into the car, Olivia burst into tears.

**More to come, let me know!**


	3. Chapter 3

Guilt-ridden Chapter 3 

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of them. Dick Wolf does.**

"_Can you handle the questioning on your own? I'm not sure I can do this one. I don't trust myself from losing control."_

"_Sure, Liv. Are you alright?"_

_Just as she slid into the car, Olivia burst into tears._

Elliot instinctively put his arm around her and she slid across the seat and cried into his shoulder. He called the captain and told him that they'd be late and waited for Olivia to regain her composure. He refused to drive anywhere until she told him exactly what was going on.

"El, I'm not the person you think I am."

"What do you mean?"

"That girl in there…well, she's, she's…"

"She's what, Liv?"

"15 years ago, I had a daughter…"

"You what!"

"El, please this is hard enough. Let me finish," Olivia took a deep breath before going on.

" Fifteen years ago, I was about to go into the police academy. I had graduated college, gone through all the tests and passed. The last thing I needed was a physical and I would get to start my police training. El, I wanted this more than anything. I have always wanted to be an SVU detective."

"I know, Liv, you have more passion for it than I have ever seen."

"But I almost didn't make it. I found out at the doctor's office that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I knew who the father was. We broke up when he finally realized I was serious about being a cop. Anyway, El, I as devastated. I didn't know what to do. My ex didn't want to be a father, and honestly, I didn't trust myself to be a mother. The doctor told me that if I could pass the physical after the baby was born, everything was a go and I'd still be let in the police academy. I struggled all nine months, but my passion for the law beat out the passion for motherhood. If I became a cop, I'd never be around and I felt that if the baby had two parents, she'd have more than I could ever give her," Olivia took a ragged breath and tried to hold back sobs, but she failed.

"But…I...failed. She's been abused… El, all… because I was selfish… and, and didn't want to keep her."

"Liv, do not blame yourself. You did what you felt was right and you had no way of knowing that this was how it would turn out. But Liv, how do you know that the girl in that hospital bed is yours?"

"Because she knows, El. I never met the parents, but they knew my name and had seen my picture. I had seen pictures of them and they looked like a nice couple…o gosh, I was so nieve back then. I didn't know how to read people. But her parents told and she has seen me on the news. She knew me the minute I walked in the door."

Elliot stared at Olivia sobbing in the seat next to him. He could see the guilt from her past was tearing her apart.

"Liv, I'm gonna have Cap take you off this. You're too close to this and I'm afraid that this will tear you up and you'll never be the same."

"El, no. I can handle this. I need to make sure the man who did this is put away for a long time."

"He will, Liv, but when we get back, you are going to talk to Cap. I'll go with you if you want. Now, we need to get back to the house. This guy has sweated it out long enough."

Elliot started the car and they headed back to the precinct. He still was in shock at Olivia's story. He felt that she would have made a great mother, but he understood that the way she grew up was what made her question her own instincts.

"El? How is this even right? My own mother was raped, that's why I even exist. Now, my own daughter is raped. El, please don't let Cap take me off this. If I can't arrest my own father, and least let me take down the lowlife who did this."

Elliot reached over and squeezed her arm. Olivia sighed in relief because she knew that she still had her partner's respect.


	4. Chapter 4

Guilt-Ridden Chapter 4 

**Disclaimer: I don't know any of it. Dick Wolf does.**

"_El? How is this even right? My own mother was raped, that's why I even exist. Now, my own daughter is raped. El, please don't let Cap take me off this. If I can't arrest my own father, and least let me take down the lowlife who did this."_

_Elliot reached over and squeezed her arm. Olivia sighed in relief because she knew that she still had her partner's respect._

"Wow, who would have thought that Liv had a baby?" Fin said.

"I think she gave it up because of a government conspiracy…"

"Munch, don't you ever give up?"

Munch shrugged and ducked the paper wad Fin threw at him.

"I wonder what's going on in there," Munch said referring to the conference going with Olivia, Elliot, and the Captain in the Captain's office.

"We'll find out the minute they walk out of that office. If it went bad, Elliot will throw something or punch the lockers again."

"Yea, I'm surprised they've not docked his pay for all the things he's destroyed around here."

"Hey guys, I heard about Olivia. What's going on?" Casey asked, flopping down into Olivia's desk chair.

"Well, stick around and watch the show. Anyone got any popcorn?"

Casey just gave Munch a disgusted look in response. For the next ten minutes, Munch, Fin, and Casey just sat around anxiously waiting. Sure enough, Elliot walked out of the office and they had their answer when he threw the closest desk lamp across the room.

"That bad, huh?" Munch asked.

"He's taking her off the case. This is gonna kill her. All she wants is justice. All she wants to do is make things right. Cap doesn't understand how guilty she feels about giving that little girl up. This is gonna kill her. All she wants is for things to be right again."

"Then make things right for me, El," Olivia said from the office doorway. She put her hand on his shoulder to give him reassurance. "I'll be okay knowing you're making this right for me."

Just then, Olivia's desk phone started ringing. She ran over to answer it.

"Benson. Yea…no…I can do that. In an hour? Where? I know where that is. Okay, see you soon."

Olivia hung up and realized that the whole precinct was looking at her.

"Was that her?" Casey asked.

Olivia nodded, "She got released from the hospital this morning. She wants to meet me for lunch."

Casey stood up and put her arms around the visibly shaking detective. "Do you want someone to go with you?"

"No, no. I always knew that I would have to face her eventually and answer her questions. I just never knew that it would be because of rape, of something I work so hard to try to prevent."

"Liv, we can never prevent rape. We can only bring justice for the victims," Cragen said from his office. "Now, Olivia. You go and make this right for yourself and for your daughter. Elliot, Fin, and Munch will take care of the justice part." He turned to go back into his office, but stopped and turned back around. "Liv, when you get back, I want you to make an appointment with Huang."

Olivia nodded, "Yes, Cap."

Cragen went back into his office and shut the door. He sat behind his desk lost in thought. He thought he had known his detectives so well. Olivia having had a kid was something that he never expected. When Elliot brought her in to talk to him, he could see instantly that she was a bundle of nerves and feelings. He had to reassure himself that taking her off the case was the right thing to do. No, he knew it was. She was too close to it. But he was worried about her too. Liv was strong; she would be all right.

"Hi, Erin," Olivia said tentatively.

"Olivia! I'm glad you came! I wasn't sure you were going to come for a couple of minutes there."

"Sorry I'm late. I got caught in traffic." She hadn't really got caught in traffic; she'd been sitting in her car for the last five minutes trying to regain composure.

"Erin, I'm not quite sure what you want to know, but I will be completely honest with you because you deserve it. I don't know how much about half of my past, but I'm not going to sugarcoat anything either."

"Good, I want you to be honest with me. But if this is too hard for you, and you'd rather wait, then that's okay too."

Olivia sat at the table outside the café and stared into Erin's eyes, her eyes. Her daughter's eyes were exactly the same as hers, and showed all the same emotions of fear, worry, hurt, and excitement. But the one emotion the girl did not have was guilt.

"Erin, I'm not a good person," she began.

**Reviews are lovely!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** This is beginning to be a pain. We all know that I don't own them, but I guess I have to give credit where credit is due…here's to you, Dick Wolf.

_Olivia sat at the table outside the café and stared into Erin's eyes, her eyes. Her daughter's eyes were exactly the same as hers, and showed all the same emotions of fear, worry, hurt, and excitement. But the one emotion the girl did not have was guilt._

"_Erin, I'm not a good person," she began._

She didn't know where to start, so she started at the beginning, and ended up telling more than she meant to. But once she started, Olivia couldn't stop the words and stories pouring out of her. She'd kept them pent up for so long because she felt that no one would understand. But, for some reason, it was easy to tell Erin…it was her duty to tell Erin. This was Erin's past and she had every right to know. So Olivia told her about her mother's rape, hating her father, the years of abuse and living with an alcoholic, finding out she was pregnant and the fears and doubts she had about being a mother, the hard decision to give her daughter up for adoption, her passion and love for her job, helping victims. The guilt she felt when she looked into her daughter's eyes when she saw her lying in the hospital bed and promising her daughter that she'd bring her daughter justice. Finally, she was done. The words just stopped. She sat and looked into Erin's eyes and, at the same time, felt like she had to catch her breath.

"Wow, um…I'm not sure what I expected, but…umm… I was definitely not expecting any of that."

"Erin, I know it's a lot. And I am so sorry to just spill all this on you after everything you've been through….

"Olivia, stop. I may only be 15, but I understand and I'm glad you shared with me. It's hard to keep all of it bottled up inside. I've never been able to tell anyone of the abuse until the day in the hospital…but you know, I'm a lot like you."

Liv looked at her with curiosity, "In what ways?"

"We both have the strength to go on, we both keep our pain on the inside, and we both want to help people."

"Really? What do you want to be?"

"I want to be a school teacher. Maybe teach 1st or 2nd grade. Teachers are heroes too, but they're sort of hidden behind the cops and firefighters. My teachers were there for me everyday and school was a way to escape. I really admire them and want to be there for kids in the future."

Olivia smiled proudly. Her daughter had a good heart.

"But Olivia, there is one thing that I still want to know."

"Okay, even though I'm not sure what I could have left out."

They both laughed. "You didn't tell me who my father was."

"Oh. Well, he was a guy I knew in college. His name was Kyle McFritzman. He didn't want children… in fact, he wanted me to abort, but I could never, ever do that. He signed away his parental rights, so that if I had decided to raise you myself, I couldn't milk him for child support. I don't know much about his history. He was an only child and both his parents are dead; I do know that much. But he died a couple of years ago in a car accident."

"I didn't want to contact him anyway…I…"Erin was interrupted by the ring of Olivia's cell phone.

"Excuse me. Benson…uh huh…what? How did that happen? No, she's with me. I'll drive her back to the precinct and she can stay there…someone call the foster family…okay, we're on our way," she hung up the phone. "Erin, you have to come with me. Your father escaped from the prison guards at his arraignment. You're going back to the precinct where it's safe."

They jumped from the table where Olivia dropped the money for the bill and ran to the car.

Erin sat at Elliot's desk while Olivia sat at hers trying to concentrate on paperwork. Everybody was out chasing the escapee, except for the captain, who stayed behind to keep Olivia sane. As he looked out the office window, he couldn't help but think that Erin was Olivia's twin, much younger, but almost her exact look alike. He was still baffled at the thought that Olivia had a kid.

Ring Ring 

"Cragen. You caught him? Where? Queens? How'd he get there? Oh, great, he hailed a cab…yea, that made sense. Okay, I'll tell Liv."

"Liv, you can take her back to the foster family. They caught him."

Erin and Olivia sat in silence the whole car ride back to the foster house. Now that Olivia had met her, she wanted to protect her, but she couldn't rewrite the past, and she definitely couldn't take in a child now. She only hoped that by meeting her, she hadn't traumatized Erin anymore than she already had been.

"Well, here we are."

"Yep."

"Erin, if you need to talk, I'm here for you…" a sob caught in her throat. Erin reached over and squeezed her hand.

"I know, Olivia, I know."

Erin opened the door and got out of the car, "Olivia, can we have dinner sometime?"

"Sure, I'd like that."

"Okay, I'll call." Erin shut the door and walked up to the house. Olivia jumped out of the car and shouted,

"Erin, I never stopped thinking about you. I-I never stopped loving you. I…I…I just wanted you to know that."

"Thanks, Olivia," she smiled. "Now go put my dad in jail."

Olivia smiled as she got back in the car. She knew she needed to talk to Huang, captain's orders after all. But first, she had to go talk to Elliot.

**I know you're getting sick of cliffhangers. Is it good, and should I keep it going like this? Reviews are lovely!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Do I really need to do this? Honestly…we all know who's making the big bucks off of all this.**

_Olivia smiled as she got back in the car. She knew she needed to talk to Huang, captain's orders after all. But first, she had to go talk to Elliot_.

Olivia knocked on the door to the crib and slowly opened it. "El, can I talk to you?"

Elliot slowly opened his eyes, "What's up, Liv?"

"I have an amazing daughter, El. She's just…so...amazing. She's smart, she has goals, she's mature...she's just—

"Amazing, just like her mother." Elliot got up and walked over to Olivia, who was still standing in the doorway.

"El? How can you say that in spite of everything you know about me? I'm the product of a rapist and an alcoholic. I gave my own child up for adoption because I did not trust myself to raise her properly…how can you…

Elliot put his index finger to her lips in an effort to silence her. He pulled her to the bed and they sat down next to each other He wrapped his arms around her,

"Liv, the circumstances that brought you here do not define who you are. Despite them, you became a strong, intelligent, independent, beautiful, amazing woman who stole my heart the minute she walked in the door."

Olivia looked up at him with a look of confusion. "Elliot, what are you talking about?"

"Liv, with all that's gone on, I can't hide it anymore. I love you." He breathed a sigh of relief. "You have no idea how long I've waited to say that."

"El, you don't mean that. You recently got divorced. You're on the rebound."

"No, no I didn't say that because I'm on the rebound. Liv, look at me. You know me inside and out. You know that I would never not be completely honest with you. Why would you think that I would tell you this if I didn't mean it?"

"Elliot, I-I don't know what to say. I have strong feelings for you too, but…I don't know. My mind, and my heart, are spinning."

"I know that you've gone through a lot lately, Liv. I hope things won't get awkward between us, and I know you have a lot to take in. How about you come to my place on Friday? I'll make you dinner and we'll talk."

Olivia smiled, "You? Cook dinner? I didn't know it could be done!"

Elliot laughed, "Don't worry, Liv. I have a few surprises up my sleeve."

"Okay, Detective Stabler. It's a date."

_**Later that day**_

"Huang, I'm here for my appointment."

"Sit down, Olivia. What would you like to talk about first?"

"Well, Doc, maybe you can help me decide. I'm riding on two different emotional roller coasters."

"Okay…"

"Obviously, I have a lot of feelings about finding my daughter again and getting to know her. Doc, she is an amazing girl. I know I did the right thing by giving her up, yet, I feel to blame for what has happened to her, and I feel it might be wrong to want her back now…to want to get to know her and have a second chance."

"That is a lot to explore, Olivia. I'll help you work on that. But what is the second roller coaster?"

She took a deep breath, "Elliot just told me he loved me…and Huang, I think I love him too."

Huang smiled. He'd been waiting for this for a long time…he just didn't know which one would be the one to come to him first.

"Well, Olivia. Those are both in depth topic that need to be explored. The best solution I have is to flip a coin.

**I apologize that it took so long to update. Finals take up a lot of time and I had a little bit of writer's block. I wasn't going to make this EO, but oh well. Reviews are more than welcome!**


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